It was about 100 degrees and I was standing in my attic amongst a mountain of boxes. The labels read. “Ali’s clothes.”
For as long as I can remember shopping was my favorite pastime. It was my escape. It was where I could go and explore and push the boundaries of what could be. I’d always start with the feeling I wanted to have, then I curated my outfit.
Was I going for a 50’s inspiration? Is it a no-make up look with small round sunglasses kind of day? Did I want to feel like a rebel… like my hair just randomly happened to have “beach waves” but oh… I just woke up like this.
The search to find myself started and ended with a new wardrobe.
I would do this pattern every season of my life. Go through my old clothes. Decide what to keep. Give away the rest. And buy whatever I needed for the new season of life I was entering.
And okay… so at first glance this might seam harmless. But by placing my worth in what I wore, I slowly convinced myself I was worthless unless I had the perfect wardrobe.
And NEWS FLASH… 2 babies later. My stomach is a stretch mark wreck, my boobs (which were once a perky size D) look like wrinkly deflated balloons… I don’t recognize my body. And if I can’t dress this body how do I get my confidence back?
That was seriously my thought process. Sad. I know.
But it’s the truth.
I found myself reaching for the IG app more than … well just about anything. OKAY maybe not as much as I reach for diapers and dropped food but definitely more than my coffee cup and that’s saying a lot.
When I started noticing this trend in my subconscious behavior I felt sad. Because I knew what was soon to follow… that empty feeling of discontent.
I was feeding the voice inside my head that’s eager to say “you’re not enough” or “who do you think you are talking about fashion?”
I mean really though… I have no right to talk about fashion. I wear black tights or skinny jeans with an oversized t-shirt on the daily. Oh and I can only take the no make up look so far … at some point one SHOULD take a shower in a 10 day span.
Regardless of all the should and should nots I felt like I was selling out. I was exchanging contentment for consumerism.
I didn’t like viewing my day in the eyes of IG or obsessing over how much traffic did my blog get today???
I will always have a passion for encouraging women on their breastfeeding journey because I do feel strongly that we are left out of the mainstream markets. That hiding-out in a hot sweaty public bathroom to nurse your baby is preferred by the masses over a breezy park bench feeding.
Clothes aren’t the enemy. But they aren’t the solution. In hopes of not sounding like a bible thumping Christian… the bible should be my go-to. My subconscious should reach for God’s truth before reaching for the IG app. Or a new blouse. AND yes… sadly my coffee mug doesn’t have the answers either. (tear)
What does HE say about confidence and how to get it back? This is what I’m exploring in this new season of life.
Now… as I was purging all those clothes. I pulled out an oversized (typical!) t-shirt that I had since high school.
It read: You will not win the rat race wearing TOMS.
Funny… TOMS are now so mainstream. And most people running the rat race are wearing them. (go figure)